Are you excited?

Tonight at Christmas Eve Service, surrounded in candlelight and soft piano music, a local minister screamed ARE YOU EXCITED?!? at obnoxious levels from the front. He took us all back to a Christmas where we felt such anticipation for Christmas morning we could barely take it. This was a place I definitely did not want to go. But it's hard, because that was every Christmas until I was about 11.

My parents did Christmas well, oh man. Part of it may have been because I was so impressionable (and still am). Mostly it was just so storybook, from the trips to grandparents', to the decorations, to the building up of energy from when I first woke then up until we got downstairs. And the tree was always so beautiful on Christmas morning. I'm not sure I ever made a formal Christmas list, but the moment I saw the tree and what Santa had brought I knew everything that was there was even better than what I had thought of asking for.

Talking with a friend from work last week, she admitted that she had cried the last several Christmases just because things were so different. I felt relieved that I wasn't the only one. Things are far from bad. My family is great! It's just different because it has to be. Grandma and Grandpa aren't around anymore. Different people decorate differently. Dad wakes me up now to open gifts. Tonight I had to wait until my parents went to bed to set out a gift and fill their stockings. Talk about role reversal! I couldn't help but think, this would be a lot more fun if they were my kids, not my parents.

The commercialism and media distortion of Christmas nowadays has affected me as a single person. Christmas is the time I tend to feel most alone. As friends you have your small little gift exchange over lunch, and then everyone goes home to their families. Families then have their celebrations. I just haven't found my niche in the family yet. And while everyone else clings to their significant other, I sit and smile with a cup of Christmas cheer and remember back to when I fit in, not really with this family, though. It hurts, but there are enough good memories. The good memories are the ones that I realized tonight I need to focus on to rise above the surface level of the Christmas season.

Jesus was God's gift to us at the first Christmas, whenever that was. I have had so many blessings this year from God, and this Christmas I choose to celebrate those. I've already cried twice today, but I choose to not let these feelings pull me down from the joyous times with my family, as changed as it may be. It's a family, and I'm lucky to have one.

Sometimes it just falls into your lap...

So, I have a new job. Yeah. I didn't really apply for it. I didn't really look for it. God just dropped it in my lap.

This week has been a flurry of new experiences, scary confrontations, 11 hour workdays and confusing moments. But I'm getting it more and more. I'm very thankful for this opportunity. Now the first paycheck just needs to come.

The challenging thing now is not to settle in too much. I need to immediately start trusting for the next amazing thing. Otherwise I'm more likely to forget who I'm living for.

Here's to letting what will be, be. *clink*

Typical Saturday Night

It only took about 10 seconds after typing in my typical Saturday night away message, "laundry, dishes, knitting" to scold myself for being so pathetic, grab my bag and book, and get the heck out of my apartment. I don't live in the best town for entertaining yourself while single, but I've found that if you're going to do anything, call it a date and you're more likely to have fun. So for tonight's date, I sat in the coffee shop sipping a large vanilla latte and read about a single girl on a Jane Austen tour over New Year's. No, it wasn't my biography. I've never actually hallucinated Mr. Darcy.

On my "date" I was reminded of why the place I'm in is such a good one.
~Christmas decorations are already up, and now the town looks like a little Dickens Village
~ A professor riding around in the dark on a unicycle (the same one that rides a tricycle to work) Apparently bicycles are ridiculous.
~ The ability to have a peaceful moment, no matter where you are in the town

Getting back by 8:30 (as I was told last night, nothing good happens after 11!), I got ready for bed and cuddled on the couch with my fleece blanket and Matt Damon on TV. Now, if the music next door can stay quiet enough, I'm off to bed. Days like these are just plain good for you.

Dream Big

The other night at BASIC (a small group program at Bluffton which stands for Brothers And Sisters In Christ) I had my girls fill out their personal kite. Picture an outline of a kite, divided into 5 sections. The titles of the sections are your biggest hope for the year, your biggest challenge, your greatest fear, how you would like others to percieve you, and what you would like to gain from your experiences this year. Then in the kite tail, you write three words that describe you. I'm not going to lie, I love doing self-discovery activities like this. It's a good personal reminder of who I am and what I want. AND it's so fun to read other people's.



Anyway, I recommend reading Bruce Wilkinson's book The Dream Giver. Questions we asked were What did you want to be when you grew up? What about us as women affect our big dreams? How do we find out our big dreams?



It was interesting to hear these women talk about their dreams, mostly because I am so out of touch with mine. Am I waiting for the dream giver to give me my dream, or do I have it already? If I have it, then am I scared to leave Familiar, or do I just need a confirmation ticket?

No Drama Allowed

Lately I've been experiencing a series of attacks. Up until this morning they were attacks from my team, though. Those hurt the worst. They're the kind that wear you down the quickest. So, this morning being nice and vulnerable, worn down to the quick, the enemy came in knocked me off my feet. It hurt too. Already feeling bad at my job, now people are accusing me of being a bad person, too. I'm not sure what I've got left.

I've been reading through Hebrews, and last night this verse jumped out at me, specifically the last line: "...let us hold firmly to the faith we profess." -Hebrews 4:14

God knows my habit is to be a fair weather believer. The foundation has always been there, but when bad things happen, I'm crying and questioning. But this time is different. I still feel lonely and attacked, yet I'm holding firmly to the faith I profess. It's all I've got. It's all I'm supposed to hold on to. So this time I'm just crying. No questioning, no drama. This experience will turn into a positive educational experience for all that is involved, including me.

Just what I needed

Last weekend was the "big event." It marked the end of a friend's college career, and the end of a lot of trials. I felt like this recital was not just for her though, it was for all of her friends and family who had stood by her and prayed for her. Sometimes all we could do was pray. All in all, a good weekend.

Sunday morning we left for Pittsburgh for the "honeyvorce." Try and follow this logic: the recital proces had been a bad relationship, the actual recital was treated like a wedding, but at the end there was actually a divorce from the bad relationship, and so then we went on a honeyvorce. A honeyvorce is actually a trip went on right after the ending of something very bad that was very fun to attend. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Anyways, Pittsburgh was a great trip, again. Much more relaxing this time though. I think the city is so interesting, even when you're doing very uncultural things. Thanks for entertaining us, Mark :-) Lessons learned from the Pitts: 1) if the never-ending pasta bowl sounds too good to be true, something must be wrong with it, 2) IKEA is beautiful, 3) My name will be Agnes when I'm older, 4) Even in a big city, there are places with beautiful nature.

My Laughing Buddies

I'm on duty tonight, and things are pretty quiet *knock on wood*. I'm not sure that I have any deep thoughts for today. Cycles of Dayquil and Nyquil have pretty much wiped me out for a few days. But, the big event is tomorrow, so I need to get a lot of things finished before then. I thought I'd share some of the pictures from recent family gatherings.

I must say, I LOVE being an aunt. Brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews were kinds of family I didn't think I'd get to have earlier in my life. I am living proof though that through bad situations come many blessings. The picture above is Lincoln, my newest nephew, perfect in my opinion.

Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of all of my nieces and nephews. But I'm proud of all of them. Mostly I'm thankful for the joy they bring. I'll never forget Grant calling me his laughing buddy. I'm totally okay with that.

Passionless?

When the question, "Are you depressed?" came from my supervisor yesterday at our 1-on-1, I realized I needed to do some thinking. The answer, if you're concerned, is a resounding no. I'm in tune with what's going on in my head more now than ever. I credit the droopy eyes and inability to stay awake to a developing head cold. So I think I'm fine.


In the beginning of my journal I have a list of my passions. There are 27. Most of them are very simple things or ways of being. But I can't read that list without having an overwhelming feeling of joy. I bring this up to say that if there were a subtitle to this post, it would be "No." However, I realized yesterday that I feel no strong pull towards anything for my future. At this point going to graduate school would be settling. I can see myself in a student affairs career as a mostly happy, successful person. But let's be honest, I'm not cut out to be a professional person. I like being professional every once in a while, mostly because of wide leg pants, pointy toe shoes, and matching handbag. But it's hard to play outside in pointy toe shoes.



I truly believe that God will reveal his plans for me in due time.

"But as for me I watch in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my Savior, my God will hear me!" Micah 7:7

"You will find me when you seek me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:13



Some thoughts that I have read in different devotionals are:

"You can take each step today with a quiet heart knowing that his peace keeps you steady and sure."

"Have the confidence in God to walk steadily in Him, and He will give you what you desire."



I believe in these promises, but I've realized lately that it's a conflict of wanting promises or prophecy. God gives us plenty of promises, but doesn't always tell us exact details. I must have the faith to believe in promises even when I don't know the specifics. So for now, even though I don't completely know what I desire, I keep reminding myself to have a quiet heart. The thing that is most troubling to me is what to do in this time of limbo.

Like a river

After graduating this May and figuring out that my previous three years were not leading where I wanted to go, a total life overhaul was in store. My family, and several friends, still don't understand what exactly it is I do all day. Honestly, some days nothing. There are also the occasional craft project days: knitting, quilting, card-making, etc. But I wrote this to share with the other hall directors last night, and so I'll share with you. My job is to love.


24 hours a day I am responding to residents. I respond when they break rules or show disrespect, and even when they get locked out of their room 8 times a week. I drive car-less first year students to the doctor and make midnight hospital trips. These are my chances to build relationships.








I am also supervising a staff of resident advisors, responding to their needs and questions. I work with them in group settings, 1-on-1, and impromptu meetings when their life seems like it's falling apart. I think of my supervision as a direct training of my staff on how to be more caring and helpful adults. At the same time, they are learning to be more organized and quality people.


Romans 5:5 says, "God has poured out His love to fill our hearts. God gave us His love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to us."


Since I've received this love from the Holy Spirit, it will flow from me like a river. Water from a river flows into a space, enriches and fills that space, then flows on to fill another space. Wash, rinse, and repeat. So my day is spent going with the flow, wherever that takes me.

"Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."
~Hebrews 13:1-2


About 5 minutes after I had written this yesterday, a guy who ALWAYS gets locked out came and knocked on my door, because yes...he was locked out. I laughed and thought to myself, he's one of the angels I was meant to entertain. *insert Newsboys song here*